Best Job Title Ever (Hint: it never comes with “Me” time)

So it’s Mother’s Day month, and just in time for Mother’s Day Meghann Foye has published her “Me-ternity” book where she’s advocating for time off work for “childless” people for self reflection and re-setting your life.

Ummmmm, in case my maternity leave was a bit different than others, last I checked,

“I’m so glad I had so much “me” time during my maternity leave”. . . said no one, ever!!

The concept of a sabbatical is great, but in most people’s lives, they call that quitting your job to find something else because you are absolutely miserable – this happens to parents and non-parents alike.  But unless you’ve spent 18+ hours pushing something the size of a watermelon out of your vagina, don’t make light of something critically important to a mother’s healing and bonding with her child (regardless of how much Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer has already undermined it)!

And, on that note of working, and quite honestly rites of passage for mothers, it’s also the month where millions of graduates contemplate their future. Even those graduating from kindergarten are sweating about what the future in first grade will look like when finger paints are a thing of the past and now they have to use real writing utensils like a stylus on the iPad.

And, there are millions more of us being invited back to our college alma maters for college reunions. Yea, it’s my TWENTIETH this year. Ugggh.

Molly and Me graduation

BFF Molly and Me, May 1996 – Holy crap, where did the time go?!  I still look like that in my head – see how rosy and ignorant those cheeks are?!

This all got me thinking about what I’ve done with my degree and with all this “Me-ternity” nonsense I decided I’d take a look at the last 14 years in particular (since the Superego made me a mom) because let’s be honest the moment I became a mom, all concepts of “me” went out the window.  Oh, and by the way, my $160,000 education that got me a juris doctor degree did NOT prepare me for any of these jobs!  I had to learn all this sh*t ON the job.

Day 1 of Maternity Leave. And in case you’re wondering, that face is saying “my vagina is going to fall out of my body right now, I still haven’t pooped, my stomach is STILL 9 months pregnant, and oh f*&#, this little person is coming home with me and I have to make sure she doesn’t die!” Bring on the ME time!!!

In honor of Mother’s Day this week, here are some job titles I have discovered that all parents have earned – and to Meghann Foye, in case your friends haven’t shared this, these are the jobs we go to AFTER 6pm when we leave you at work and we start our night shift. If you’d ever like to leave work earlier to start one of these shifts, let me know how it goes after you’ve finally gotten yourself to bed well past midnight, been woken up 3 additional times by a small being who vomits and sh*ts on you and then had to get up at 5am to get yourself ready in time for your outside the home job only to have to face childless peers who think that leaving at 6pm to take care of your children is a luxury. That look you’ve seen on parents who come back from maternity leave “more sure of themselves”, that’s actually a deer in the headlights look of “how the f*&# am I going to ever get some semblance of myself back, and oh did I actually put on clean underwear and brush my hair, or did I just dream that?!”

Next to the chef, triage nurse, chauffeur, scullery maid, housekeeper, organizer, pet trainer, and on and on here are my suggestions for beefing up that parenting resume this graduation season (and for those of us who “stay at home”, these are really helpful for avoiding that “gap” in your resume).

1) Proctologist – Because let’s be honest, no one is up a child’s @$$ more than a parent.  We are at the school, at they gym, on the playground, at your play dates, hell, we’re in the bathroom with you because you won’t leave us the f*&# alone.  If you’re a teenager, we’re even more up your @$$ because now you have a phone and you and your friends are stupid enough to post what you do and where you are ALL THE TIME!  Oh, and let’s not forget that little gem Aries – yeah, if you don’t know about the “spy on your kid’s teacher’s grade book” app, you better ask your kid’s school principal, stat!

 2) Terrorist Negotiator – Because we all know that nothing could prepare you better than trying to negotiate with a two year old about why the car seat is non-negotiable.  And, here’s what I’d like to know – who’s the genius who can kid (or rather adult) proof the sh*t out of any toy that you buy for a child that then takes 42 minutes to open, all under the watchful eye of an impatient crazy person, while making it just a push of a button for the little boogers to get out of their car seat?! Of course, in these terrorist negotiations we are at a huge disadvantage. Water boarding is a definite no no (because they will definitely write a term paper about it and spill the beans to their teacher); sleep deprivation only tortures you; and you really don’t have any bargaining chips such as torturing their family if they don’t do what they’re told.

3) Mayor of Crazy Town – self explanatory!

4) CIA operative Have you ever tried to out-wit a 14 year old who knows how to f*&# with your iPhone settings and remove all trace of herself from the universe. Oh, and let’s not even discuss how they manage to subvert your alarm system and sneak out of the house under your nose (oh, wait, that wasn’t my 14 year-old, that was ME, at 16, in collusion with my younger sister and our dog – who apparently had a bladder problem and had to go out all the time at 1:30am, but only on Friday and Saturday nights – still flabbergasted why my parents never put in a dog door). The CIA could make a sh*tload if they started offering “How to out-wit your child” classes. I’d pay big bucks for one of those pen cameras that I could then sneak into her backpack!!

5) CEO of anything, anywhere, anytime – The other day I said to my friend Crissy “ How are we gonna make the ‘Stay at Home Mom’ title more sexy?” Without skipping a beat she said, “You say I’m Logistical Engineer of a small company based on the west coast.”

#F*&#ingBrilliant

We have raised capital (i.e. Money from the entire neighborhood and even the entire country if you count grandparents), hired and fired more people than an HR team at a Fortune 500 company, and even figured out how to clone ourselves (i.e. deployed our mom village) so that 3 mini-me’s can be in 3 places simultaneously. We got this thing locked.

With all this analysis though, I came to one conclusion – the simple job title “Mom” is the best job I never applied for. It’s made me funnier, more creative, more patient, and certainly more humble and apologetic to my own mom. I wouldn’t trade it, even on my worst days, and I’m grateful for the three little girls who have given me the Best Job Title Ever – and there is definitely no ME in MOM!

Girls and Ice Cream

Mom Job Bonus – you can eat ice cream guilt free! My Grampy would be so happy that my girls pick Thrifty over all their ice cream choices because that’s where he brought me!

 

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

To my Grammy and My own Mommy, thank you for showing me what boundless love and infinite patience means as I embarked on my journey into motherhood!

 

Grandma's peaceful with her little bunny

And to Husband from Heaven’s mommy, thank you for raising an amazing daddy and for your generosity and creativity in helping us in our journey with our little bunnies.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the amazing moms out there.

For more graduation and Mother’s Day month fun, visit www.facebook.com/runamukmom.com

#mothersday #graduation #resumebuilders

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About the Author

In 2010 I was given the gift of answering to THREE bosses (aka my children), rather than continue to work full time outside the home. This site is about my journey of self discovery, and self deprecation as I realize I’m not smarter than a 5th grader. Enjoy the blogs and resources, share your stories with me, and check out my book. Hopefully at the end of the day you can laugh too (some days that’s all that keeps me from crying)!!

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